old wounds

i spent my entire primary and secondary education years deep inside my little internalized, homophobic closet. i was petrified that someone would find out what i really was (i didn't really even know what that was exactly — or if there were even others like me — until well into my teen years).

i hated being gay. i hated myself more.

i played "straight" games. i invented crushes on boys-- just so i'd fit in. i kept the truth inside.

my high school reunion is this next saturday, and the people who are planning this thing put up a website so everyone could upload current photos of themselves (and their husbands/wives and kids, etc.). I've pondered and struggled for several months about whether or not to send in pictures of H. and myself... I mean, why shouldn't I? EVERYONE else is married (most with kids), and probably didn't even think twice about sharing the important people in their life.

over the past 11 years i've only come out to 2 of my friends from HS... i don't even really TALK to anyone from good ol' AHS anymore... so why should I give a shit?

those old wounds have resurfaced, and that fear from my youth has clenched its grip yet again after all these years, and i've been scared out of my mind — just like i was back then, and i really don't know why. I don't KNOW these people anymore. I don't care what they think.

for weeks now i've watch photo after photo go up on this website... "susie whatsit and her husband bob" ... " joe schmo, wife sally and their 2 kids"...

ugh.

well, i started an email yesterday at lunch... "here's a couple of recent photos of myself and of my partner, H...". i attached 3 pictures. Then i saved it as a draft...

i couldn't for the life of me hit 'send"

that damn email haunted me all day long until finally i opened it (for the 12th time that afternoon) and just did it... i didn't even re-read it, or think about it... i just "sent"

now, a day later – after i've seen the photos uploaded to the site (along with everyone else's)... I'm sitting here trying to think how to put into words how i feel...

a little scared. nervous. proud. happy. authentic...

free.